Sesshoumaru's Xmas List Part 2
by PsychoSybil
Summary: Inu no Taisho (the living one, not the dead one) is back with another Xmas List. Its long and this Authoress has had to break it down it chapters. Seems he's still pissed off about his missing left arm and that Hanyou brother of his, Inu-Ahole!
1. Wish 1 Take 1: Coathangers

11/26/04 Sesshou's back with a new list and its not gonna be pretty! He's got some outrageous demands he wants Santa Claus to fill. He's also wired up (see #1, Coat Hangers) because he thinks he's getting a date with THIS AUTHOR.

12/26/04 It didn't take me a month to write this because I started it in August!!! 8/26/04 to be exact. I don't own any InuYasha anything. Just my lousy cold, which forced me to stick this up here cuz I just don't care anymore.

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**Sesshoumaru's Xmas List Part 2**

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**1. Coat Hanger:** Several in fact! Before Chichiue passed away on account of that damnable….Ryuukotse(?)…Wait, that's not how it is spelled. Or is it? I thought I was good at _spilling_? Oh wait, that's **'spelling'**, as in **words**, not **'spilling'**, as in **blood**! I am very good at this! Ano_. Ryu…R..Y..U…Reeoo...koot…tsay!?_….No, that is not it! Maybe it is spelled _Reeoo…koootsszz…aaayyy!?…_ARGH! That is not it, either! DAMN! Ano. Maybe… _Rio Grande_? NO! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! _Oreo Cookies!?!?!?!? _ARRRGGGGGH!!!! GRRR!!! AHEM! _Mootsies Tootsies?!_ GRRRRR!!!!! NO! HUH!?!? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS SESSHOUMARU!?!? EEEERRRRRRRR!!!! FUUUUCK! One last time! Ano. Okay! Wait! **R-E-O S-P-E-E-D-W-A-G-O-N**. DOUBLE HUH!?!?!? WTF is a _REO SPEEDWAGON?!?!? _SOME DEVIOUS SPELL FOR THE AUTHORESS TO GET ME IN TO BED?!?!?!?!?! This Sesshoumaru will not ALLOW this to happen!!! WAIT! WTF am I talking about!? I still wanna get laid! I'm **hornier** that a **brass section**! Maybe this REO SPEED-something-or–other is another one of Naraku's **POINTLESS **and not to mention **USELESS **incarnations that is **guaranteed fresh until opened!? **Did you know Naraku is a **DEADBEAT CHICHIUE!!!!** He owes tons of Yen in back child support to himself (how is this possible?) because he keeps spawning offspring. He'd rather KILL his own KIDS than pay child support! He also says maternity wear is so expensive that he can't afford child support. Because of the INSIGNIFICANT AUTHORESS, whom I will BED very shortly, this Sesshoumaru has lost his train of thought… 

**Authoress:** --types down what Fluffy-sama's words-- "_Because of the INSIGNIFICANT AUTHORESS, whom I will BED very shortly, this Sesshoumaru has lost his train of thought"…_

Keep dreaming and **your train of thought is still boarding at the stati**on. How is this possible when you were _rambling _on more than a _LED ZEP_ tune????

**Sesshoumaru: **I, this Sesshoumaru,…

**Authoress: --**types more of Fluffy-kin's words-- **"**_I, this Sesshoumaru,…" _Yeah, we all know who you are!!! **STOP repeating your name!**

**Sesshoumaru: **BITCH! You shall stop your insolent behavior, NOW! You have angered this Sesshoumaru because you have shown my Royal Person (RP) in a bad light by writing all those **WRONGFUL words that I, this Sesshoumaru, never said**! I commanded you to take down, _**verbatim**_, my every word as I spoke!

**Authoress:** --ditto-- "_BITCH! You shall stop your insolent behavior, NOW! You have angered this Sesshoumaru because you have shown my Royal Person (RP) in a bad light by writing all those WRONGFUL words that I, this Sesshoumaru, never said! I commanded you to take down, verbatim, my every word as I spoke!"_

What!? That's what I did, **DUMBASS! **You stuck Toukijin at my throat and told me to dictate your words VERBATIM to paper, **you handicapped taiyoukai** (see Xmas List #1, #1 A New Arm). _**Verbatim**_ means **'word for word'!**

**Sesshoumaru: **AAAAHHHHH!!!!! You have ANGERED this SESSHOUMARU TWICE OVER!!!! I am _royalty_ and you are not! _Die!_ **Dokkassooo!** No! **Dokken? Ano. Duckass? Duimbass? Drakes Cakes? Bless you?!?!?!?** AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

**Authoress:** --if you don't get it by now, then DIE!-- _"AAAAHHHHH!!!!! You have ANGERED this SESSHOUMARU TWICE OVER!!!! I am royalty and you are not! Die! Dokkassooo! No! Dokken? Ano. Duckass? Dumbass? Drakes Cakes?_ _Bless you?!?!?!?_ _AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!"_

**Dokkasou!** Yeah, and I didn't **SNEEZE!** Anhyhow, you **CAN'T EVEN SPELL** (see Xmas List #2, #3, Its Not a 'C') your own attack, you one-armed wonder. **I quit**.

**Sesshoumaru: **I am very _**wealthy**_…..

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Go to Part 1, Take 2 Next, NINGENS!>>>>> 


	2. Wish 1 Take Dos: Coathangers again

**Sesshoumaru's Xmas List Part 2, Take 2**

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**Authoress**: So he twisted my _left arm_…Also told him **BOLDING UP WORDS** costs more **YEN! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!**

**Sesshoumaru: STOP THAT!!!!!!!**

**Authoress:** --holds out hand-- Cough it up fuzz-ball!

**1. Coat Hangers: **Several dozen in fact. Ahem. Before Chichiue passed away on account of that damnable Ryuukotse (Nyah! I spelled it! FUUUUCK YOU!), he gave to this Sesshoumaru my own Damned Pelt (DP), which is a mark of royalty and high-rank birth among the full blooded youkai male heirs in the House of Taisho. Its just too FUCKING BAD that I HAD TO BE THE ONLY ONE IN MY GENERATION TO GET THIS 'LOVELY GIFT'!! (I feel like a cheap Ronco commercial.) AND WE ALL KNOW HOW LONG THAT CAN LAST!!!! Not the fucking RONCO COMMERCIAL, a YOUKAI GENERATION, you fucking dolts!! Ahem. For the last several hundred years I have been OBLIGATED to wear this Damned Pelt (DP) in memory of MY OLD MAN! Chichiue forced me to sign a contract stating that if I, this Sesshoumaru, did not get laid 150 years after I hit my first 'Heat', then I would get stuck wearing this Friggin' Thing (FT) for all eternity! Tres EMBARRASSING!!!!! What in SEVEN HELLS WAS THAT DEMON THINKING!??!?!? Obviously, my old man was a WHORE! Never once did I, this Sesshoumaru, see HIM wearing this DAMNED ROYAL INUTAISHO PELT (DRIP)!!!! He was a freaking male-whore like that movie, 'Ace Bigelow, Male Gigolo' except it was more like 'Toga Bigelow, Youkai-Gigolo' of the Sengoku Jidai. He FUCKED everything that walked, crawled, slithered, and had at least one hole. No wonder he found Inu-Bastard's mother attractive! She was a 3 input woman! I heard he did Kaede-baba, too. AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! GROOOOOOOSSSS! Ahem. The visual I just received was _very disturbing, _kind of like having a WORTHLESS HANYOU FOR A BROTHER!!!! (See # 8, Sibling Rivalry) Maybe the Old Hag is really InuBastard's mother! But then, I just saw the 3rd movie and this is JUST NOT THE CASE! AHHHHHH!!!!! Ahem, again. This Sesshoumaru's back is KILLING HIM, DAAAAAAAAAAD!!!!! First you (1) curse me with 3rd degree burns on my lily white hands (Oh wait, I forgot! I ONLY HAVE ONE FREAKIN' HAND!!!!), (2) give me an aimless HANYOU for a brother, (3) refused to give me Sou'unga and Tessaiga when I 'nicely' asked for them, (4) you go off and decidedly die in a _blaze of_ _glory_ (No! Not the Bon Jovi tune, you fucktarded ningens!!) leaving this Sesshoumaru an orphan (Even if I was a full grown Youkai. I still need to know who my _Daddy_ was.) and now (5) you are giving me a HUMP!?!?!? WTF!?!?! Speaking of this, I will not fuck camels as they are beneath me, even though they are taller than me and if we did fuck I would be underneath…and it would smell and the hair would be everywhere and…I would need to bathe constantly after that and then Jaken would not polish my Katana (hint, hint See Xmas List #1, #3 To Get Laid)…….AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!…NEVER MIND!!

Ahem. I need to locate these 'Coat Hangers' as soon as possible so I can hang this Damn Pelt (DP) up and be done with it. I must locate the nearest Walmart or Target or Dollar Store in the Sengoku Jidai so I can purchase these 'Coat Hangers' and place them in my many closets in my new home. Its not like I don't have plenty of closet space, because thanks to 'Trading Spaces' (See List #2, #17 Trading Spaces Sengoku Jidai Style), I do (That Dan Jumbo is just a piece of tail, isn't he!). Why do they call these metal items shaped like a fucked up triangle, 'Coat Hangers', anyhow??? Shit, I don't even own a coat, or even know what ONE IS! All I own is a smelly, moth-eaten OVERSIZED KIMONO, an 8-year old female ningen with friggin' A.D.D. who constantly stalks me, a Horny Toad……..What! You think I am referring that latent-tendency queer, JAKEN?!?!? This Sesshoumaru thinks NOT! This Sesshoumaru actually _has_ a horny toad. _Bulgey_ gives me pleasure in which no other has given my Royal Person (RP) in such a long time. Sessions of heavy petting and stroking usually leave us both smoking Cuban cigars and sipping champagna by the end of it all. Tres romantique! I just can't keep track of the stains on my silk sheets… Food! Food stains! Not the _other_ kind! Damn you, you one track MOFOS!!! Did I mention I also own A USELESS SWORD!?!?!?!?! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Chichiue, why do you wish a hump upon this perfect Sesshoumaru's back?!?!? And who do you think I am anyhow, MARTY FELDMAN from that movie about a disfigured youkai, 'Young Frankenstein-Kun'???????? This pathetic ningen looks more like JAKEN than I, this SESSHOUMARU!!!! I am not a slimy 2-timing frog (I heard he made it with Fozzy), like that green, bulgey-eyed, muppet demon from Sesame Street, Kermit. I do not resemble a pizza-loving Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle nor a pond-scum sucking, Force-wielding, midget named Yoda, either! The only thing I admire about Feldman-sama is that he was able to get a lot of females bedded, unlike myself! I have been paired up with everyone from Kouga to Shippou and everything from a Salad-Shooter to a Vaccum cleaner, but this Sesshoumaru is still HARD UP, for lack of a better term. FUUUCCCKKK!!! Even Frakenstein-chan was able to bed a female in the movie!!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!! What is WRONG with THIS SESSHOUMARU?!?!? I am hotter than an antiquated boiler in a Victorian house, but I can't get any nookie. Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit is getting more nookie than I, even if his career is washed up. Kono Sesshoumaru is feeling like the world's worst youkai!. I need a doggie cookie. I'll do it all for the nookie, so you can take that cookie and stick it up my…..NYAH……. whazoo!

Unfortunately, my Damned Royal InuTaisho Pelt (DRIP) along with my SISSY-HUMAN-FEMALE (SHF) markings make me look like a LAS VEGAS SHOW GIRL! All this Sesshoumaru needs to complete the look is a pair of heels and fishnet stockings! Ano…..DID I MENTION I HAVE A BACK ACHE BECAUSE OF IT!??!?! Ahem. Recently, this Sesshoumaru received a telephone call from some 'Producer' from the 21st century named _Ron Jeremy(!?). _I must say that Jeremey-sama was quite the _prick _because he just _jabbed _into my Royal Persona (RPa) quite readily saying he got my 'resume' and 'nude pictures' (!?). He _probed_ this Sesshoumaru further stating he was intrigued by my 'exotic' looks and was interested in auditioning me for some 'strip show' (!?). He also told me I would be mostly nude except for a thong and high heels and feathers. This Sesshoumaru informed Ron-kun that I already owned these aforementioned items and how dare he peek inside my drawers! I, this Sesshoumaru, further informed Jeremey-sama that I would then have _impale _him with my _very large, stiff katana_, Tokijin, since he had insulted my Royal Character (RC). At this prospect, he became very excited, to say the least, and insisted on calling my Royal Person (RP) 'you dirty whore' and 'hey, baby' and 'my little slutty slut' (!?). This 'producer' also asked some _penetrating_ questions as to who did this Sesshoumaru's make up and nails and if I did tricks in bed (!?). He also asked this Sesshoumaru out on a date asking to meet him on the corner of Hollywood and Vine. HUH!?!? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS 'PRODUCER' TALKING ABOUT!?!?!?! I DO NOT MATE WITH NINGENS!!!! In all of Seven Hells I am as confused as MICHAEL JACKSON is about his SEXUALITY!!!!!! What does this mean?!?!?

**Authoress: **It means he thinks you're a flaming fuck….

**Sesshoumaru: **NONI!?!?!?

**Authoress:** You heard me. You got long hair, long finger nails, markings that look like make-up and when poorly drawn, you look like Yurusei Yatsura. Plus, I hear you play with Barbie Dolls. Fuck, I think my uncle from West Virginia would do you. Can you say 'Deliverance'?

**Sesshoumaru: **Female wench, you have INSULTED THIS SESSHOUMARU! You will DIE!

**Authoress:** I thought you wanted to BED me? Or did ya want to do Senor Ron Jeremy?

**Sesshoumaru: **NONI!?!?!?

**Authoress:** Wow, that's TWO things you can repeat: your name and the word 'noni'. So, Jaken told me he bought a digital camera with your credit card and when you weren't looking, took random nude pics of you for 2 weeks. To spite you he sent them over with InuYasha, who in turn gave them to Ron Jeremy, who was looking for the next Traci Lords. Yeah, he also told me he got it at Walmart when you forced him to go with you on your hanger trek. Guess there were some things you did to him with those wire hangers… he showed me his new asshole for starters. And what is up with your tongue? It seems to been everywhere except your mouth in these pics shuffles pics around ….

**Sesshoumaru:** AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I will seek revenge upon them by _bedding_ you, bitch!

**Authoress:** Ok, so that's THREE things you repeat: Your name, 'noni' and 'AAAAHHHH!!!' I thought you had a hot date in California?

Speaking of beds, I could you some new sheets and pillows. Here's $20 bucks. I think the dollar store is having a sale.

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Wish #2: Its Not a Tail! (AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!) >>>>>


	3. Wish 2: WTF? IT AIN'T A TAIL! GGGRRRRR!

**Wish Numero Two**

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**Authoress: Esta es mucho LOOOOOOOOONG! Pay up, Sesshy-boy!**

**2. Its Not a Tail!:** Does it look like I, kono Sesshoumaru, have some furry CATEPILLAR growing outta his royal ass?!?!? NO! This Sesshoumaru thinks NOT! Whatever fan said that my DRIP was my tail should DIE! DIE like that abominable pirate Jack Sparrow (See Xmas List #1, #2 Black Pearl) and my HANYOU BROTHER, INU-ASSHOLE!!!! And for all the fans who followed suit, YOU SHOULD ALSO DIE!!! All the fan-fics, the pictures and what-not all show my Royal Person (RP) with a big FURRY (Don't even _think _about calling me _Fluffy!_) (See List #1, #5 Stop Calling me Fluffy!) TAIL draped all over my _muscular, hot, steaming, sweaty, sexy body_, like which most of you sick fans wish to be in your depraved fantasies you have about this Sexxxy-sama….Ano…..Uhhhhh……Where was kono Sesshoumaru? I am somehow becoming aroused with myself……..I suddenly have the _need_ to go to the Male Youkai Facilities Room (MYFRbathroom)……RIGHT NOW!!! Ano…can one of you sick bastards lead me, this Sexxxy-Sama, to the nearest one? AGAIN, there seem to be no PROPER FACILITIES in the SENGOKU JIDAI!!!!! AND NO! My name is not HUGH GRANT or PEE-WEE HERMAN!!!!!! Damn you! You filthy, no-good meatheads for thinking of my RP as such! DIE!!!!!

Does it look like I, kono Sesshoumaru, have some furry CATEPILLAR growing outta his royal ass?!?!? NO! This Sesshoumaru thinks NOT! Whatever fan said that my DRIP was my tail should DIE! DIE like that abominable pirate Jack Sparrow (See Xmas List #1, #2 Black Pearl) and my HANYOU BROTHER, INU-ASSHOLE!!!! And for all the fans who followed suit, YOU SHOULD ALSO DIE!!! All the fan-fics, the pictures and what-not all show my Royal Person (RP) with a big FURRY (Don't even about calling me ) (See List #1, #5 Stop Calling me Fluffy!) TAIL draped all over my , like which most of you sick fans wish to be in your depraved fantasies you have about this Sexxxy-sama….Ano…..Uhhhhh……Where was kono Sesshoumaru? I am somehow becoming aroused with myself……..I suddenly have the to go to the Male Youkai Facilities Room (MYFRbathroom)……RIGHT NOW!!! Ano…can one of you sick bastards lead me, this Sexxxy-Sama, to the nearest one? AGAIN, there seem to be no PROPER FACILITIES in the SENGOKU JIDAI!!!!! AND NO! My name is not HUGH GRANT or PEE-WEE HERMAN!!!!!! Damn you! You filthy, no-good meatheads for thinking of my RP as such! DIE!!!!! 

**JAKEN!!! Bring this Sex-Shoumaru the Hand Lotion!!!!!! And a MIRROR!!!! NOW!!!!!! **(See Xmas List 1, #4 and #9)

**Authoress: **Huh?! OMG! You are one _sick mofo_, Sesshou….maru…? Authoress looks around to find Sesshy has disappeared. Uh, it seems his Royal Highness (RH) has left the building and possibly the 21st century to satisfy himself. Mutters to herself , '_Sick fuck! I hope his dick falls off…'_

½ minutes later

**Sesshoumaru: **I, kono Sesshoumaru, am not paying you, a worthless human female to do nothing and --reads previous line-- … my penis is re-attachable.

**Authoress: --**jumps out of her panties-- You scared me, dumbass!!!!! --whaps Sesshou in the face with panties-- That was fast!

**Sesshoumaru:** _'Technical difficulties'_ is all this Sesshoumaru will say of your pathetic inquiry.

**Authoress:** I didn't inquire. Your Highness (YH) reached orgasm before reaching the bathroom, huh? Happens to the best of us. --shakes head in mock disbelief--

**Sesshoumaru:** --mortified-- How did you know I, kono Sesshoumaru, was a prince?

**Authoress:** --looks at him wide-eyed, open mouthed in _true _disbelief -- You're really an idiot, right? Possibly dumber than Kouga and InuYasha put together?

**Sesshoumaru:** I will ignore your inane comment and proceed to this Sesshoumaru's question: Where is your undergarment female?

**Authoress:** --turns green-- I think you're wearing it….. --turns greener than Jaken-- ugh….

**Sesshoumaru:** --feeling fruity, moves his parts around in new lingerie-- Your female undergarment is quite silky against parts of this Sesshoumaru's Personal Erogenous Zones (PEZ). No! I do not speak in reference of the friggin' CANDY DISPENSER found on friggin' EBAY, you anal-wads!!! I speak of my RP!!! AAAHHHH!!!!! Although, kono Sesshoumaru will dispense his RYS (Royal Youkai Seed: see Xmas List #1, #3 To Get Laid) onto you bastard ningens just to prove a point! Hmmm! My RP feels rather kinky, now. Excuse this Sesshoumaru a second time…..

**Authoress:** Wait, Sesshoumaru-sama! I gotta puke!!!!!!

½ minutes later

Ano. Where was this Sesshoumaru before I became aroused with myself twice over? Hai! My Damned Royal InuTaisho Pelt (DRIP) is NOT A FUCKING TAIL! It is in fact a…… SECURITY BLANKET! I wrap it around my Royal Person (RP) to feel safe and like a vacuum cleaner, I SUCK on it whenever I feel threatened, especially by INU-BASTARD, WHO TOOK MY LEFT ARM!!!! THE SAME LEFT ARM, WHICH IS NOW IN LOCKED UP IN SEVEN HELLS THANKS TO DEAR OLD DAD, INU-ASSHOLE AND SOU-UNGA!!!!!!! If I were a PROPER DEMON and had TWO ARMS, I would have TWO HANDS and not ONE!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I, kono Sesshoumaru, could be like those damned, annoying 'Peanuts' characters and suck one thumb and hold onto my blankie with the other! Kono Sesshoumaru required nourishment several minutes ago and ate the first thing his Royal Person (RP) saw. Fortunately for my RP, my hunger was sated and I found that this ningen food was quite enjoyable, although, this Sesshoumaru found it hard to take the shells off these 'Peanuts' _even _with his sharp claws. Oh wait! I almost FORGOT, kono Sesshoumaru only has ONE CLAW!!!! Ano. I did not know nuts could scream so much! Kind of like INU-ASSA will when I, THIS SESSHOUMARU, will sever his NUTS!!!! Can you say 'Rocky Mountain Oysters'?!?!?!? (A/N: fried bull's balls) Ahem. Unfortunately, these 'Peanuts' no longer exist as I, this Sesshoumaru, have committed 'The Great Schulzticide'. My favorite ningen snack is lost to the world….. Oh well. The only downside to long, pleasurable, oral sucking sessions is that my DRIP gets wet often, as do you fans when you SEE ME, THIS SESSHOUMARU aka SEXXXY-SAMA!!!!!!!

How do you expect the hottest Bishounen in all of anime to dress his Royal Person (RP) if he were to have a TAIL STICKING OUT OF HIS ASS??? Do you expect me to cut holes in all of my silken robes and my silk thong collection???? There are no scissors in the Sengoku Jidai to cut _a perfect circle_ into my belongings! Why would this Sesshoumaru do as such???? Plus, these _perfect circles_ can not ever be perfect, because I AM, DAMMMMNITTT !!!!! NO ONE CAN BE MORE PERFECT THAN ME -- A ONE-ARMED, GIRLY-LOOKING, HANDICAPPED TAIYOUKAI, WHO HASN'T COPULATED IN OVER 2 CENTURIES!!!!! And yet again, I, this Sesshoumaru, do not speak of Maynard James Keenan's friggin' band either, you freakin' TOOLS!!!!! Neither am I to be compared to that Alice in Chains song, 'Down in a Hole'. Speaking of holes and contrary to popular belief, I am not a THREE input male, only TWO!!! FUCK, I knew that interview Ron-kun forced me into with Howard Stern-sama was bad news!!!! Both kept calling me 'Traci'!!!!!! They got me CHARGED up and DISCOVERED my extra set of stripes!!!!!! I didn't even receive CASH BACK!!!!!! AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! I AM NOT AN E-MAIL…er…..wait…I mean…SHE-MAIL…er….MALE!!!!! I AM INU NO TAISHO, YOU BAKAS!!!! YOU MUST ALL DIE!!!!!!!! DIE, like President Bush's dream of ever becoming SMART!!!!! So nu-kee-ar!

Kono Sesshoumaru is not done and will continue his Royal Rant (RR): How do you expect this Sesshoumaru to sit down or take a shit or do anything involving my Royal Butt Cheeks (RBC), with a BIG ASS tail getting in the way?!?!?! ANSWER ME!!!!! HOW!?!?!? You can not answer!!! Like Miroku's KAZAANA, this Sesshoumaru knows you SUUUUUUCK!!! This Sesshoumaru will tell you then -- NEXT TO IMPOSSIBLE!!! Do you think I WANT dog hair and fleas and other assorted _things _between my luxurious, satiny RBCs or all over my insanely god-like body?!?!?!?! OF COURSE NOT!!!! Further, it would ruin your hentai fantasies of glomping my Youkai Unit (YU) with your _hot, moist, wet tongues_ and watching my RP scream in sexual ecstasy as a result. This Sesshoumaru is now becoming aroused thrice over with himself and….wi…..will….re…re…restrain….hi..him.. himself…..fr…fro….from… an…**Or…or**…..OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!….**gasm.**

This Sesshoumaru is now quite sated and shall continue his Royal Rant (RR). Ahem. Now, like my Youkai Unit (YU), which I should have left in the medicine cabinet this morning to avoid my current predicament, my pelt is also **detachable**. Unfortunately, I must keep both about my Royal Person (RP) because Jaken has a tendency to rub himself all over them. HE REMINDS ME OF YOU FANS!!!!! WAIT……!

**Authoress: --**cuts off Fluffy-sama-- Okay, you've gone on long enough about NOTHING! What Mr Fluffy is trying to say is that, like Metallica, he will sue whatever fan said his DRIP was his tail.

**Sesshoumaru: **Bitch, you cut my Royal Person off! I find that hot…and sexy, like myself! Kiss me! puckers up, comes toward Authoress

**Authoress: --**fighting off a horny Inu no Taisho-- _UMPH!_ I…was…..going to……_GET OFF ME!!…_was…going……..AHH, MY NECK!!!!……to show…. you……_BAD BOY!!_……guys….. that……that…that…_UMPH!_…..…Fluffy…..sama…._DAMN YOU, THOSE ARE MY GOOD SHOES!!_ …………that Fluffy-sama……_OOMPH!_……has no tail…..by….._STOP HUMPING MY LEG, YOU PERV!!!!!!!_…..DOING THIS!

**Sesshoumaru: --**suddenly stops behavior, looks around confused-- Ano. Suddenly this Sesshoumaru feels…. _exposed._

**Authoress: --**smiling sadistically -- You should. It maybe daylight presently, but the MOON is showing! As in, YOURS! ( )( )

**Sesshoumaru:** --looks down, notices pants around ankles-- whatever color was in his face has now left the building …

**Authoress:** --holds up back armor flap and part of haori to expose him more-- See everybody, NO TAIL! --motions to Inu no Taisho's backside & notices something else-- Hey! What's that tattooed across yer ass? ( )( )

**Sesshoumaru:** --freaks, covers backside with his Fluffy-- AAAHHHHHH!!!!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!!!HENTAI!!!! MIROKU!!!! CATHOLIC PRIEST!!!!!

**Authoress: --**pouting-- Awwww…I only saw the letters 'K' and 'A' and 'U'. I wonder who it could be??? Stay tuned, folks! **!!!!!WHAP!!!!!** slaps Fluffy on ass ( )( ) (See List #2, #6, Jaken is NOT my LOVER)

**Sesshoumaru:** --howls like Kouga-- OOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! You broke my wittle ass! (a/n: bugs bunny reference)

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Next: Wish #3, Its not a 'C'!!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! 


	4. Wish 3: Its Not a 'C! 'c' is 4 cookie

**Wish Numero Three**

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3. Its not a 'C'!:** I, this Sesshoumaru, do not speak **ENGRISH**!…er, … I mean ENGLISH!!!! I speak **YOUKAI-ESE!!!**

**Authoress: **Huh? What's that? Something like Ebonix?

**Sesshoumaru:** It is my native tongue, curvaceous pathetic, human female.

**Authoress:** Yeah, sure. You just don't know what you speak.

**Sesshoumaru:** Silencio! Vete al infierno (A/N: Shut up. Go to hell.)

**Authoress: **Wow. Now you're speaking Spanish. Didn't know you knew that….

**Sesshoumaru: **ARRRGH! You are angering this Sesshoumaru!!!

**Authoress: **Now its English. You are one messed up dude.

**Sesshoumaru: **Dokkasou! Baka Yarou! (A/N: Dokkasou, Asshole.)

**Authoress: **Now Japanese.

**Sesshoumaru: **Sheiskopf! Dumkopf! (A/N: Shithead, Dumbhead.)

**Authoress: **German! Damn, you are talented!

**Sesshoumaru: **I, this Sesshoumaru, speak JAPANESE! Is this what you wanted to know, bitch!?

**Authoress: **Sexxxy! Back to the rant everybody!

**Sesshoumaru: **Have you noticed how she always has to speak the last word?

**Authoress: **Yup.

**Sesshoumaru: **Bitch!

**Authoress: **Shut up!

Ano. I speak JAPANESE, not ENGLISH!!!! How dare you dumb, shameful, filthy ningens assume that my Royal Birthmark (RB) is a letter C!!!! What the fuck is a 'C' anyhow !?!?!? I, this Sesshoumaru, have never heard of a 'C' in my entire life, even if it has been TATTOOED to my forehead for an eternity. ARGH! This 'C', as you bastardos (A/N: Mas Espanol, personas! Sesshoumaru tiene mucho talento.) call it, is really a crescent, like the MOON! Yes, I am so sure you would love to see mine! Well that is NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, you LUNATICS! Ahem. Among Inu and Youkai Society, my RB is a sign of my ROYAL STATUS and HIGH RANK. NONI!?! You self-gratifying humans think this Royal Sesshoumaru (RS) SMELLS BAD and SMOKES DOPE !?!?!? THIS SESSHOUMARU THINKS NOT!!! AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! The only REASON why I would smell bad is because of you nimrods PAWING at my silken robes, which results in you BAKAS leaving the lingering scent of HUMAN-PERSON-STENCH (HPS) all over MYYYYYYY RP!!!! FUCK OFF AND DIE!!!!! WOOF! This Sesshoumaru is not and never has been a LOW RIDER! I fly far away enough to avoid my enemies, and in fact, I am FLYING HIGH AGAIN to avoid the Evil Authoress (EA)!!

**Authoress:** Yeah, riiiiiiiiiight. You're just up there because when you come down you're gonna get a good swift kick to your YU (Youkai Unit) with my steel toed Doc Martins for trying to shove your tongue down my throat!!!!!

**Sesshoumaru: **Promiscuous whore!!! You should not have tempted this Sesshoumaru with that…that… alluring scent coming from your lips!

**Authoress:** **Odorless petroleum products** aka Chap Stick turn you on?

**Sesshoumaru:** Arf….. starts panting like he were in heat.

**Authoress:** Good boy, stay up there. Mr Helium Balloon will now continue with his tirade.

Ahem. Can you hear me now!?!!?!? As this Sesshoumaru was saying, my Crescent is a sign of my Royal Status and High Birth….AAHHHHHH!!!! AGAIN! I WAS NOT smoking DA CHRONIC when I was born and neither were my parents! Well, on second thought, maybe Chichiue was for most of his life because HE DIED FOR NO REASON SAVING INU-BASTARD AND HIS DUMMY MOMMY!!! Yeah, I bet DEAR OL' DAD was lighting up with Takemaru before they both died considering they were surrounded by FIRE!!!!! What a good excuse to smoke! And that thing he pulled out his armor was no fire-rat haori, it was a GIGANTIC EZ-WIDER WRAPPER!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!!! I HATE YOU OLD MAN!!!! You always seemed a little TOO HAPPY for a TaiYoukai! Although, after this rant, my RP will WELCOME some!!! AAHHHHHH!!!!! Ano. All of Youkai society respects and worships my leadership, authority, wisdom, looks, makeup, long silky hair, firm god-like body, YU (Youkai Unit, not Yu Yu Hakkasho!) and of course, my powerful abilities! Especially the ones I have over you deluded fans, whom my Royal Person thinks are DERANGED and should all DIE!!! DIE, LIKE INU-ASSHOLE and the EA as well as DAD and TAKEMARU and DUMMY MOMMY, whom are already DEAD!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!! I will send you on a one-way TRIP to Seven Hells! This Sesshoumaru has tired of speaking about the DESTRUCTION OF LIFE and will change the subject back to my Crescent. I have been told by the Evil Authoress (EA) that my Crescent looks a like a half eaten cookie. YEEEESSSSSS!!!! This Sesshoumaru knows what a cookie is! I watch SESAME STREET, TOO! NYAH! The Evil Adulteress, whom I WILL bed shortly, said cookie starts with 'C' and if cookie starts with 'C', then that is good enough for me. This revelation has given my RP to worry as that ravenous, blue-furried, hanyou bastard, the Cookie Monster, may try to EAT my Birth Mark (BM) like one of his half eaten cookies. GRRRR!!!! I do not need to LOSE yet another one of my distinguishing characteristics, LIKE MY LEFT ARM, and nor do I want CRUMBS all over my silken robes. GRRRRRRRR, again! Yes, this Sesshoumaru called that scruffy, vacant, bulgey-eyed, thing a 'hanyou' because he is not fully human and not fully youkai. How else would you describe something with (1) pillow stuffing for brains and ping-pong balls for eyes, that (2) has no innards or (3) no will power whatsoever whilst, (4) having a human hand shoved its ass controlling its every movement making it, (5) go apeshit on, of all things, a plate of cookies??!?!?! No wonder his eyeballs move around so fervently! He's getting FINGERED all the time! Sick, hollow hentai! Hmmmm, this Sesshoumaru has noticed much of these characteristics in Jaken….maybe these two homos are related?

My BM……GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!…….NO! Not BM as in BOWEL MOVEMENT!!! BM as is BIRTH MARK!!!! AARRRGGGHH!!!! You fucking shit heads are pissing my ROYAL PERSON (RP) off YET AGAIN!!!!! Get your heads out of the gutter or I will lop them off with my TEN SHARP CLAWS!!!!!

**Authoress: --**report cards mysteriously appear in Authoress's hands. looks up at Mr Helium Balloon-- Uh, Sesshou, could ya come down here for a moment and explain something to me. Somehow as if by 'magic' your report cards from Sengoku Jidai High 'mysteriously appeared' in my hands and it looks like you _flunked_ Basic Math class repeatedly. To illustrate:

**Question: 2-2 ?**

**Answer: $6,725.64**

**Result: X !!!!WRONG!!!! X**

**Sesshoumaru: --**flies towards Authoress and swipes at her-- Give me those!

--Authoress dodges attack. Watches Sesshoumaru fly into a wall.-- **!!!!BAM!!!!**

**Authoress:** Oops, my bad!

**Sesshoumaru:** --Cut to typical scene from Bugs Bunny where drooling tongue hangs out of mouth, stars fly around head, eyes go in circles and character babbles incoherently--

**Authoress: --**doing bad Tweety imitation-- Awwwww! Da poor lil' puppyhurt himself! I lose more PUPPIES dis way!

**Sesshoumaru: --**recovering quickly, jumps to feet and makes like Elmer Fudd-- OOOOOO!!!!! You wascally wench! I'm gonna git you now! Pwepare to die! I'm gonna bwast you into smitherweens! And gimme dose weport cards!

**Authoress: --**looks at Sessh strangely-- Oh-kaaaaaaaay, Elmah, you're a bonified maroon…. Anyhow… WOW!…..Upon closer inspection, your Royal Highness (RH) also flunked Communication class and Grammar class every year, too!

**Sesshoumaru: --**swipes at her again, except with non-existent left hand-- **GRRRRRRR!!!!!! **

**Authoress: --**surprised at getting whapped in the face with silk-- **WTF!?!?!? --**looks at report card again-- **LOGIC!** You failed that class as well! Boy, you are DUMB! My nekos are smarter than you.

**Sesshoumaru: --**holds up right foot-- Dokkassooo! No! Dokken? Ano. Duckass? Duimbass? Drakes Cakes? I'm gonna kick you?!?!?!? AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

**Authoress: **Again, _Dokkasou! _**D-O-K-K-A-S-O-U**. --shakes head-- And its your **RIGHT HAND**, BAKA! --looks at report cards again-- At least there is a **D** in **Conversational Japanese**. It appears the only **A's** you got were in **Industrial Arts, Business Management and Gym**. Go figure….

**Sesshoumaru: AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! **You have** dogged **this Sesshoumaru enough about his **edjamacational** background!

**Authoress:** --astonished-- In fact, it looks by these report cards that your graduation date kept getting pushed up year after year. Did you even **GRADUATE!?!?!?!?!?**

**Sesshoumaru:** --coming back down to reality, looks away and mutters under his breath-- My Royal Person (RP) is currently going to night school at Sengoku Jidai Community College to earn his GED.

**Authoress:** No wonder you lost your left arm….

Ahem. Where was this Sesshoumaru? Hai! This Sesshoumaru is now starting to sound like Rin… Whatever. My Royal Birthmark (RB) denotes that I am a Prince and the ruler of the Western Lands. It denotes also that I am the Heir of Chichiue's Legacy, all except for Sou'unga and Tessaiga (Onore! Inuyasha-me!) and the Lord of all I survey, including the tempting authoress… ahem…..I am Inu no Taisho! FEAR ME, otherwise I will BITE you! Bite you like a CRESCENT ROLL! Another object that looks my BM, you damn ningens! And speaking of Crescents, why does that pale, 6 inch youkai, the Pillsbury Dough Boy, claim **MY** BIRTH MARK as his OWN!??!?! I will POUND his doughy little body into BAGUETTES and HOT CROSS BUNS, and sell them to you unknowing bakas making a ton of BREAD for my RP! EAT IT UP, you carbo-counting freaks!! You will not miss him anyhow…..One less piece of bread to think about Ahem. After all, a Bishounen of my stature KNEADS massive amounts of $$$ to keep his royal appearance. Is it no WONDER I am hotter than a SUNBEAM?! . (A/N: Work with me people. I am SIFTING thru His Highness's bad one liners here…) Whatever! This Sesshoumaru-sama hears that the impudent freak 'shows' himself during his 'commercial appearances'! How dare that exhibitionist of a pudgy, pale, squeaky youkai show himself in a state of total undress on that thing you brain-washed ningens call 'national TV'. Has he no pride? Does he not have a proper kimono to wear? Is he BAKED? Or is he a Betty CROCKer full of shit! Does he think he is HOTTER than this Sesshoumaru? I think not! He has more ROLLS than a BAKERY! If he thinks such, I will have to give him the 3rd DEGREE! I will not go EASY-BAKE on him! My Royal Person is not known for doing a complete 360 on himself! Or is he one of Monkey Boy's incarnations? This Sesshoumaru is also quite surprised that 'finger' has not gone elsewhere during those 'commercials' as it may result in Pillsbury-sama contracting a YEAST infection!

* * *

Onto Wish #4: I'm NOT a GIRL, YOU ARE!!!!! (a/n: that's debatable...) 


	5. Wish 4: I, Kono Sesshoumaru, am no girl

**Numbah Quatro**

* * *

**4. I am NOT a Girl! You are!:**

My voice is deep and sexy: Deeper and sexier than James Earl Jones's or Darth Vader's, even if they are they same voice. My voice can put you conditioned fans, as in Pavlov's dog……EEERRRRR!!!!!! NOT ME, YOU MORONS!!……The FUCKING DOG!!!! What!?!?!? You think I, THIS SESSHOUMARU, can be TRAINED to play FETCH and get the PAPER?!?!?!?!? GGGGRRRRR!!!!!!! AGAIN, NOT ME! I am A DOG DEMON!! I, this SESSHOUMARU, can TRANSFORM like OPTIMUS PRIME OR VOLTRON OR ROBOTECH!!!!!

**Authoress: --**cuts off Sesshy. barely holds in laughter-- Hold up! Hold up, Sesshou-sama!! I NEED to say this:

Na-na, Na-na, Duuuuuuude looks like a LADY! Na-na, Na-na, Duuuuuuuuuuude looks like a LADY! (A/N: Aerosmith, ningens!)

--authoress falls to floor laughing in hysterics--

**Sesshoumaru:** --getting mad, yet again, holds up glowing right hand-- NONI!?!?? DOKKASOU!

**Authoress:** --gets up from floor, wipes tears from eyes-- Here! You get a gold star for knowing how to spell 'Poison Flower Attack'! --proceeds to smack Sesshou in the head with a gold sticker placed right over his Crescent-- **!!!!!SMACK!!!!! **

**Sesshoumaru:** AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! --eyes go red, fangs bared, chases Authoress around room--

**Authoress:** AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! --produces dog whistle in mid chase, blows on it--

**Sesshoumaru:** AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! --falls to ground clutching one ear--**!!!!THUD!!!!**

**Authoress: --**relieved-- ahhhhhhh…..Back to the rant. Sesshou?

**Sesshoumaru:** --looks up, doing 'daggers of death' stare-- Bitch!

**Authoress:** --kneels down staring at him-- Gold really isn't your color….

This simple mutt, as in Inu-ASSHOLE, can not think for itself and is unable to REASON, which this Sesshoumaru can quite capably! My Royal Person (RP) knows how to think outside the CAGE!!!! Ano? WHERE THE FUCK WAS THIS SESSHOUMARU FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME?!?!?! YES, I KNOW I FLUNKED MATH! MUST YOU KEEP REMINDING MY RP?!?!?!? GRRRR!!! My Deep Voice Royale (DVR) can put you habituated fans into a trance like Obi Wan Kenobi's, however, it seems to work best on _small, green, screeching reptiles wearing funny clothes_. Yes, this Sesshoumaru has seen the 'Star Wars' saga and was not impressed by it. KONO SESSHOUMARUisthe center of the Universe, not that…that… 'Emperor' person. How could he lose all control over all his minions so easily? Was he bound to a tree somewhere in the Degobah System? Why was not the Yoda-thingy his lackey? And why did his katana only run on AAA batteries and not sheer, youkai power? Whatever. It does not matter to this Sesshoumaru-sama as there was no such thing as life after Darth for him, anyhow.

My chest is broad, muscular and flat, even though yours is HEAVING as I, this Sesshoumaru, speak! I do not wear a size quadruple ZZZ brassiere like most hu-MEN do because of a thing called 'man-boobs.' I am not overweight as such said beasts are and at least my NIPPLES are in their proper place and not hanging over my knees. I have a perfect washboard stomach running along my midsection, due to enormous physical effort in KILLING EVERYTHING in my path! This 'washboard stomach' is what you ningens call a 'six pack', which you hu-MEN drink too much of especially during 'Half Time' resulting in a 'beer belly'. YEEEEEESSSSS! I am quite aware of what the 21st century man does for recreation: He sits in his recliner, drinks much Sake, watches the game on his big ass, wide screen TV and becomes like an Irishman (see #10 I Want a New Name)…..a couch POTATO! My Royal Person (RP) knows this for a fact because he has met many a sports widow in his passing, whom he has ravished on occasion……. Ahem. This Sesshoumaru does not have a 'beer belly' hanging over his YU (Youkai Unit) as there are no 'liquor stores' in the Sengoku Jidai, however, I wish there were because I could have the luxury of throwing a glass bottle at my significant other if he/she PISSES ME off! It is a pity that MOONSHINE won't come into existence for another 300 years as I have a constant reminder of the MOON tattooed to my forehead! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I forgot to mention this Sesshoumaru's gluteus maximus is also in its proper place. 'Cellulite' is not in my vocabulary

I am strong and powerful. Kind of like the odor coming from you filthy ningens or a bag of onions or Kikyou or the The Seven Man Team or those damned Nekos or Inu-YADDAYADDA or anyone else in the CAST besides MYSELF! And speaking of powerful…….WTF is THAT SCENT!?!?!?!? It smells like FLOWERS!!!! Oh, no……..Rin!

**Rin: **Sesshoumaru-sama! Can Rin braid your hair and stick flowers in it, like Rin do in every Fan Fiction story?

**Sesshoumaru:** NO! Rin, how did you get in here!? What do you want!? I thought I told you to play in traffic.

**Rin:** --looks up and hands Sesshy something-- Here, Sesshoumaru-sama! It's a holiday. There is no traffic. --contemplates his words-- HEY!? I resent that comment! And I'm sick of referring to myself as 'Rin'! I'm a hell of a lot smarter than these fans take me for.

**Sesshoumaru:** --takes object. looks confused-- A little black book? What...?

**Rin:** --acting like the Fonz-- AAAAYYYYYYY! You told me to practice my numbers, so I did.

**Sesshoumaru:** --flips thru book-- These are phone numbers, Rin, not numbers as in Math.

**Rin:** Which you flunked, DUMMY!

**Sesshoumaru:** --looking quite flabbergasted and perturbed puts 2 and 2 together (a/n: wow!)-- Who helped you?

**Rin:** The Authoress. She told me to get phone numbers from women who want to be my mommy because my 'daddy' was lonely…..and horny……whatever that is. Hey, I'm only NINE! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT!? Ano, this Rin didn't know you played the trumpet….

**Sesshoumaru:** GGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

**Rin: --**gets scared, runs behind Authoress for shelter-- eek!

**Authoress:** Listen, Fluffy, you're getting on my nerves with all this sex talk. I am not interested in dating you. You're like handicapped and stuff, plus you got ISSUES (see #9 Korn Tunes/Therapy). And you scared Rin.

**Sesshoumaru:** --fuming controllably-- Do…not…call…me….FLUFFY!

**Authoress:** --looks at Fluffy, points to Rin-- Now I know where SHE gets if from. --continues on-- Anyway, Fluffy-boy, maybe if you weren't so constantly busy being ILLOGICAL like Spock and STUCK UP like a piece of gum and showed us chicks some GRATUITOUS fan shots of your nude body, then maybe you'd get laid.

**Sesshoumaru:** --defeated-- It is not my Royal Person's (RP) fault I am drawn this way. Marry me…?

**Authoress:** Ah, NO! Moving on. --looks at Sesshou-- Finish this up, okay? I got a date with Lupin the 3rd.

I still have my all my hair and looks like that supposed Immortal, Dick Clark, minus the surgeries. This Sesshoumaru is glad he does not look like that Black Miko, Joan Rivers. UGH!

**Rin: **Yup, you look like one of my Barbies or Cross Dressing Ken. Why can't I stick flowers in your hair, Sesshoumaru-sama?????

**Sesshoumaru: --**stiffens-- Rin, why are you back here?

**Rin:** I never left! Ya know, Sesshoumaru-sama, you aren't VERY NICE to me! You talk about Naraku being a deadbeat chichiue.

**Authoress:** Yeah, the kid doesn't have any proper footwear or another set of clothes to wear.

**Sesshoumaru:** Must I be interrupted on a continual basis by these 2 human females?

**Rin and Authoress:** We're boycotting Sesshoumaru-sama!!

**Sesshoumaru: **GOOD! DOKE!!!!!

I am silent and mysterious. Like Hannibal Lechter or Bill Clinton or Under Dog or a even a BOOK!

**Authoress: **Silent? You haven't shut up once since this fic began.

**Rin: **Mysterious? I know you talk in your sleep about your encounters with………

**Sesshoumaru:** --cuts Rin off-- DOKE!!!!!! --turns back on both females-- Ignoring you now! --mutters under breath-- _Do what Dr Phil told you to do, Sesshoumaru. Count to 10 and relieve the stress: 1,2,5,8,7,4,6,9,3,10! _

**Authoress: --**whispers to audience-- Between you and me, InuYasha is looking a lot smarter right now.

I am tall, dark and handsome.

**Authoress:** Ahem. Correction:

_I am tall, dark and_ _........**PALE**_

**Sesshoumaru:** WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT??!?!??!

**Authoress:** Tall -- Yes. Handsome –Totally! Dark -- NOT!

**Sesshoumaru:** I have a tan!

**Authoress:** Where?

**Sesshoumaru:** Here. --coolly points to stripes-- They are darker than yesterday.

**Authoress:** Those don't count! --throws hands up in air and continues her rant-- You're paler than Michael Jackson, fer crissake, and you wear a mostly WHITE kimono!!!! Hullooooo?!?!? If it weren't for the splash of red, you'd look like a GHOST (Patrick Swayze is soooooo HOT) or a VAMPIRE (Mmm, even LeStat is looking good right about now!)! As it stands, you look more like a _murdered snowman_.

**Sesshoumaru:** --seething-- Is there nothing about my Royal Person you find attractive?!?!?!?

**Authoress:** --flustered-- HUH!?..I'd rather not answer that question based on……_religious principles!_

**Sesshoumaru:** --strokes chin-- _Hmmmmmm……_I shall continue now.

I am incredibly stubborn, selfish, rich, rude, stuck up and do not apologize to anyone. Sort of like Martha Stewart, except this Sesshoumaru is not INCARCERATED and being Big Bertha's bitch!! And since my Royal Person (2) flunked math and (1) is always OUTSIDE meandering about Japan killing random youkais, I could never have been convicted of INSIDER TRADING!! Plus, the STOCK MARKET doesn't exist here!!!!!

I do not do house cleaning because I own a PALACE and have servants to do my work, including homework!! BWAHAHAHAHA!

**Authoress:** --disappointed-- Good looking and stupid. Why can't I ever find a guy who's smart? 

**Sesshoumaru: --**stunned-- You DO find my RP ATTRACTIVE!

**Rin:** --thrilled-- Sesshoumaru-sama will look great in one of Cross Dressing Ken's low cut wedding dresses!

**Authoress:** Rin, I'd rather see your 'daddy' naked.

**Sesshoumaru:** --wide-eyed--

I do not stop for directions: This is what Jaken is for. This Sesshoumaru has tried the 21st century 'MapQuest' thingy to locate Naraku on several occasions and the directions have always lead my RP to PISMO BEACH! I am tired of running into Bugs Bunny!!!!

**Authoress: **looking around again Speaking of directions, where is that echo coming from?

**Rin: --**tugs on Authoress's sleeve. points upward-- He's up there again.

**Authoress: --**peering up at Sesshou-- After that last comment, I don't think he trusts us.

**Rin:** --ponders-- I want to tie him to a string and fly him like a kite.

**Authoress:** --proud of herself-- Good girl! I'm rubbing off on you! I think I saw a utility closet back that way. Go nuts.

**Rin:** HAI!

I keep the lid up on the toilet (see #12 Fire Hydrant). This is mostly so I can get a quick drink after a hard day's worth of killing. You swills would not believe the amazing alcoholic properties of toilet water…..

**Sesshoumaru: **Noni?!?

--from below, our gravity defying demon can see Rin and the Authoress hauling a 25 ft ladder and a large ball of string from the utility closet. he notices they are both smirking as they place it directly beneath him.--

**Authoress:** --whispering-- We need something to subdue him.

**Rin:** --reads last rant-- --whispering also-- Let's test it. One cup of water coming up!

**Authoress:** --waits for Rin to come back with nasty toilet H2O-- Okay, here goes nothing. --authoress climbs ladder to confront an aggravated taiyoukai a 'peace-offering'--

**Rin:** I'll hold the ladder.

**Sesshoumaru: --**untrusting of Authoress, flies away from her-- What do you want Evil One?

**Authoress:** --bambi eyed-- Aw, c'mon. I just came up to offer you your favorite drink.

**Sesshoumaru:** --doesn't move, glares at her through red eyes-- gggggrrrrrrrrrrr……

**Authoress:** Okay. I get it. You don't wanna talk. I'll just leave this here. --places cup of swill on top of ladder and climbs down--

**Sesshoumaru:** --temptation gets the better of him, flies to ladder when he thinks Authoress safely away from him grabs cup, takes a swig, immediately gets light-headed-- Thith stuff ith ggggooooooooooooooooooooddd!!!!

**Rin:** --watches exchange between the 2 adults--

**Authoress:** Gotcha! --grabs right foot, Inu no Taisho offers no resistance, Authoress ties string around foot a few too many times-- 20 ft ceilings, 25 ft ladder, 6 ft youkai means you ain't going anywhere fast!

Rin! Catch! --throws ball of string to Rin--

**Rin: **YAAAAAAY!!!! Sesshoumaru-sama's a kite!

**Sesshoumaru:** --reminiscent of Shippou: waves around in breeze-- Wheeee! I'm HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH!!!!

**Authoress: --**comes down from ladder-- Looks like we'll be here for a while until he snaps out of it.

* * *

Wish # 5: She Ain't My Step Mudda! Gawdammit. (a/n: coming soon)


	6. Wishes 1014 Kono Fluffy can't count!

3/7/05

A/N: I don't own InuYasha or Sesshoumaru or Kouga or Miroku or Naraku or Shippou or Bankotsu or any character in the frickin' series, only Ms Takahashi does. Sin embargo, mas parodia aqui. Sesshoumaru es muy estupido and no puede contar. Que lastima! Oh yeah, this means Sesshou can't count and is really stupid. So he got his wishes f'd up and posted 10-14. Oh well!**  
**

**

* * *

10. I Want a New Name: **You retards heard me, this Sesshoumaru, right. I want a NEW NAME! Preferably an Irish one. This way I have an excuse to:

(1). Slap my bitch, Jaken, around.

(2). Eat potatoes and cabbage and corned beef…… FFFFPPPPHHTTT That's for you, Naraku!

(3). To wear green other than Red and White (I feel like blood platelettes) & eat 'Lucky Charms.'

(This Sesshoumaru IS magically delicious!)

(4). Convert to Catholicism so I can….

(5). Copulate with many females to create a large litter of Hanyous. Wanna see my

shillelagh?…and,

(6). Become a Priest….. (Get lost, Miroku, you HENTAI!)

(7). Become a corrupt cop or a corrupt Democratic politician or both so I can love the

Kennedy's…Er!…Ah!…

(8). Become that which is a-typical of this Royal Sesshoumaru: Common and base. Then maybe my

fans will LEAVE MY RP ALONE!

(8). Join the IRA so I can hate the Queen….I wanna beeeeee….Anarchy!

(9). Listen to Sinead O'Connor…I hate the Pope.

(10). Live in Southie (South Boston, MA 02127) and,

(11). Join the Winter Hill Gang. (Whitey's my hero!) and,

(12). Be racist towards gays and lesbians.

(13). Believe in Leprechauns.

(14). Eat at McDonalds even though this Mc-Sesshoumaru does not Mc-eat Mc-ningen Mc-food.

Mc-Fuck Mc-you!

(15. Go to the bar and get dwunk whenevah I wisth…. Ethpethially on Thaint Patty'th Daaaaay

Justh call meeeee **Sully O'Dog-gan**.

* * *

**11. Smoke Detector: **Emergency! There is an Emergency going on becauseI'm RED-HOT! Hotter than the sun. Hotter than a stove. Hotter than a radiator. I'm on FIRE! My fans BURN UP when they see me. I'm SMOKIN'! I'm bacon, I SIZZLE! I am an Atkins Dieter's dream come true! Press my signal button and IGNITE ME! You fans are just SMOULDERING to be this Sesshoumaru's FLAME! HA! You fuming fans can not EXTINGUISH my SCORCHING looks! HA! All this Sesshoumaru needs do is to walk into a room and it is ILLUMINATED with his FIERY presence! 

NON! No, I did not BURN SOMETHING! My name is not KIKYOU!

* * *

**12. Fire Hydrant:** Ahem. Is it not common for dogs in the 21st century to piss on these? JUST NOT IN THE SENGOKU JIDAI! I have this HUGE PALACE now thanks to Trading Spaces and yet I have NO TOILETS! I DEMAND that I get these 'Fire Hydrants' installed in my in my palace's BATHROOMS immediately!. I would go on about this subject, but I HAVE TO GOOOOOOOOO!

* * *

**13. Body Condom:** EEEEEEWWW! Stop TOUCHING ME! DAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDD, MY HUMAN FANS ARE TOUCHING ME! TELL THEM TO STOP! EEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! FILTHY HUMANS! EEEEWWWWW! THE STENCH! EEEEWWWWWWW!

* * *

**14. Self Check Out:** Hai! A Self-Check Out register complete with mirror is what this Sesshoumaru needs. My RP can check out his naked ass anytime 24/7/365. **BEEEP!** **I'm HOT!****BEEEP!** **I'm HOT, AGAIN!** Press the button 'HOT FOODS'! That is MOI, kono Sesshoumaru! Let me ride down the belt naked! WEEEEEE! Tres kinky! What would you like this Sesshoumaru to be draped in: Paper or Plastic? All forms of payment are taken: Cash, Check, Visa, Discover and Amex. And of course, MasterCard: 

(A/N: You saw this coming. You knew you saw this coming….)

**M****irror from Walmart: 29.99**

**Credit Card Machine: 1525.63**

**Self Check Out Register a la Target:**** 10,889.02**

**Being Kono Sesshoumaru: ****PRICELE!**


End file.
